Microsoft word - meishgoldishpurim2013.doc

From Meish Goldish <[email protected]>
should be increasing them, like donating his nuts to make more charoses.” Selected Purim Shtuss from Meish Goldish
Purim 2013

NEW YORK—Following his recent ban on soda Health, which last September voted to require containers over 16 ounces, Mayor Michael mohels to obtain advance consent from parents Bloomberg has announced that he now intends to before performing circumcision that involves direct place similar limits on wine and matzo consumption suction of a baby’s organ, has now made its rules “Everyone knows that Jews struggle with obesity,” the mayor declared at a news conference Starting next month, a mohel will not be yesterday at Gracie Mansion, “so why aggravate the allowed to perform the controversial procedure problem by drinking four whole cups of wine and known as m’tzitza b’peh without first obtaining written consent from the baby himself. eating three large sheets of matzo at a single meal?” Noting that the Passover foods are a Jewish “It’s the child who undergoes the risk,” tradition dating back thousands of years, the mayor explained Dr. Lane D. Parsha, director of the Board said, “That may be so, but look at the health of Health. “So it’s only fair that it’s the child who problems they create. You eat all that unleavened should give the mohel the green light.” bread, and your system is bound to get backed up. It’s no wonder Moses was pleading, ‘Let my people consent form at the tender age of eight days old, Dr. Parsha responded, “If the child is unable write his Bloomberg added, “No one needs that much name at that point, then the circumcision will have wine at a meal, either. And, shamefully, the biggest to be postponed until he can at least sign with an offender is a Jewish icon—the prophet Elijah. On seder night, he goes from house to house drinking. Who does he think he is, some frat boy? It’s the =============================
wrong kind of message to be sending to impressionable Jewish children on Passover.” BROOKLYN NAMED HOLIEST JEWISH

Several Jewish organizations have already BROOKLYN—For the first time in recent history, filed lawsuits in Brooklyn courts, claiming that the the borough of Brooklyn, New York, has surpassed mayor’s new proposal infringes upon their religious Jerusalem, Israel, as “The Holiest Jewish City on rights. Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwieback, legal counsel Earth,” according to the World Jewish Federation, for Agooda Israel and author of the book When Abbada Things Happen to Agooda People, said, “Instead of downsizing seder foods, the mayor cities around the world for their degree of Jewish religious observance, explained that in the past year, Brooklyn initiated several practices that make it In addition, the Israeli army would undergo “indisputably the holiest land on the planet.” a chemical peel to better protect itself in the event of biological warfare. As an example, in the district of Boro Park, several synagogues now offer women’s prayer Critics of the proposed plan argue that it is wrong groups for men only. In addition, stores that sell for Israel to join Medicare, especially at a time television satellite dishes now require customers to when the U.S. itself is in dire economic straits, with buy two sets of dishes, plus two other sets for use many American economists still worried about the Weizguy said that to avoid criticism, Israel would In Flatbush, public unisex bathrooms now apply for Medicare under an assumed name such as have separate entrances for men and women. Syria or Iraq, which already receive millions of observance is in Williamsburg toy stores, which sell =============================
dolls designed to inculcate in young Jewish girls the importance of covering their hair after marriage. PRESIDENT ENDORSES GAY
The dolls, called Tichel Me Elmo, come with a SYNAGOGUES
kerchief wrapped around a Muppet’s head. Another big-selling doll in Williamsburg-- Bauma, head of The White House Synagogue this one for young Jewish boys--is the Kollel Doll. downtown Washington, D.C., announced today that he was in favor of gays and lesbians in his =============================
congregation being granted the same rights ISRAEL APPLIES FOR U.S. MEDICARE
JERUSALEM—The State of Israel, which will turn “The gays and lesbians have set forth their 65 years old on May 14, plans to apply for agenda: We’re here, we’re queer, we want an Medicare, the U.S. national social insurance aliyah,” said Bauma, “and quite frankly, I agree program, according to Chaim Weizguy, head of “At least in our shul, when they come out of Weizguy announced that Israel wants to join the closet, they’re carrying a siddur and Chumash Medicare in order to qualify for badly-needed that they took from the closet shelves,” the economic surgery that would then be paid for by the The White Shul is a house of worship that is Israel’s surgical operations, Weizguy said, famous for welcoming oppressed minorities into its would include tightening the budget, cutting fold. In 1965, it became the first synagogue to government spending, raising taxes, lifting a officially accept a group of black hats during their sagging bottom line on exported goods, trimming fat from welfare programs, and performing a nip and tuck of moneys allocated to Jewish religious congregation became the first in the country to give Recently, the shul revised its constitution to the guy to assign hagbah,” he said. “Better to give grant rights to individuals whose sexual preference out galilah—tying up the Torah after it’s been lifted includes both males and females. “We call it our bi- and lowered. Galilah is easy. Buckle up for safety. He added, “Our synagogue is a rainbow, just =============================
like the one that appeared to Noah after the flood. AT THE MOVIES
Our membership has all the colors of Joseph’s famous coat.” Zero Dork Thirty—Loser Jewish single can’t get a
Less Miserable—Loser Jewish single finally gets a
BRONX—The gabbai, or sexton, of a synagogue in Shabbos Lainings Praybook—Siddur and
the Bronx admitted today in court that he provided steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs to shul members who were called to the Torah to Lincoln Drinkin’—President hosts a Purim party at
perform hagbah--the lifting of the scroll. The gabbai, Lanceman Armstrong, said that Agunah Unchained—Separated woman succeeds
he had been supplying the drugs for the past five The Hunger Gains—Jews fast on Yom Kippur to
couldn’t find anyone willing to lift the Torah,” Armstrong confessed under oath. “It’s a big, heavy Cargo—Jews pack for their summer in the Catskills
item that requires raising and unraveling to display This Is 49—Rabbi counts the days of the omer
at least three columns of text. Everyone I asked was afraid they would drop it, and dropping a Torah The Gelt Trip—Boy celebrates his bar mitzvah
means the entire congregation must fast for forty days. I happened to have a few extra steroids from The Rabbi: An Unexpected Journey—A
last week’s kiddush in my suit pocket, so I offered a synagogue fires its spiritual leader without warning pill to one guy if he would do hagbah. He told me, ‘Ordinarily I don’t believe in taking the Law into my own hands, but in this case I’ll make an IN THE THEATER
exception.’ And that’s how it all started.” Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof—Itzhak Perlman burns
Judge Bill E. Neder sentenced Armstrong to six months’ probation for doping synagogue members, but did not impose a sentence on any of Nice Get If You Can Work It—Wife convinces
Shmoozies—Congregants talk during the prayer
Armstrong said he had learned an important lesson from the experience. “Don’t get stuck being Snoozies—Congregants sleep during the rabbi’s
Ani--New Israeli immigrant learns how to say “I” in
an ulpan course
Kinky Roots—Wigmaker struggles to match hair
colors for a sheytl
Who’s Afraid of Virgin Wool?—Talis
manufacturer makes prayer shawls for young
Manischewitz on Broadway—Barry Manilow has
a seder on stage
Ruchie and Peshi and Bashi and Shprintz—Roll
call at a Bais Yaakov school in Boro Park
Rabbi Man: Turn Off the Congregants
Synagogue’s spiritual leader is disliked
Old Jews Selling Jokes—I should pay you to make
me laugh? Now that’s funny!
My Name Is Asher Yatzar—Jewish man greets
strangers in the bathroom
Peter and the Starwatcher—Mohel waits for
Shabbos to end


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